The Queen’s Chronicles: RETREAT DEFFERED


My birthday is rarely a party time any more. Cake and low-fat frozen yogurt are now longer the fulfilling richness I seek in my birthday celebrations. A party just doesn’t feed me, although last year on my birthday I made a dinner party for all of the dear ones in my life who do feed me, help me in all sorts of ways in every aspect of my living — my work assistants past and present, my acupuncturist, my hair cutter, my car mechanic, my mentor, my agent, my oh so ever-helpful lover. I wanted to thank them with conviviality, good food and spirit.

But normally I prefer — crave, actually — solitude and silence. For me, my birthday is a profound opportunity to take serious personal stock. It is the perfect time to check in with my deepest and best self to evaluate the past year and to project the next. “How am I doing?” as old Ed Koch, former mayor of New York City, would always ask. How have I coped? Changed? Succeeded? How am I stuck? What have I learned? And what can I just not get through my thick skull?

For the past thirty years, I have retreated to some extent and fasted to some degree for a one-to-two week period around my birthday, during which time I devote myself entirely to purifying my body, my home, my thoughts, my emotions, my intentions. I keep a series of Birthday Books in which I process my impressions and my lessons, plot my progress, ponder my problems, plan my goals.

I scrub my house. I cleanse my toxins with juices, broths, teas and herbs. And release my tensions with long walks in nature and luxuriantly long baths. I release my inhibitions with yoga and trance dance. I purge my possessions along with the detritus of my mind by culling files, by pruning irrelevance. I plan potlatch giveaways, and extreme throw aways.

This introspective birthday ritual is my way to center myself. To sharpen my focus, realign my perspective and rededicate myself to living the very best life I can. I emerge with energy and enthusiasm, my path re-consecrated with purpose, passion and power. This annual reunion with myself is crucial to my well-being and the purity of my spiritual work. And attendance is required. Or else!

Because of a crazy schedule of personal and professional commitments, I couldn’t do my customary birthday fast and retreat in September this year. And I have really been paying the price for having missed it. For these past two months I have been out of sorts, out of patience, out of my body, out of steam. Generally down and out.

Now that the mad rush of September and October are over and I am feeling so soul bereft and bone weary exhausted, I am determined to have my deferred retreat. I hereby claim the next ten days as mine and mine, alone. Starting now!